


Missing Mom

by Blood and Weetabix (melchiorstiefel)



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: (I find it easiest to write introspective fic in 2p), - discussed, Canon-Compliant, Coming Out, Dead Monica Gallagher, Episode: s10e12 Gallavich!, Fill-in based on that Ian/Debbie scene at the Polish Doll, Gen, POV Second Person, Sibling Bonding, discussed, except Debbie is at home so the end of 10x12 probably didn't happen, gay debbie gallagher
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:41:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22447372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melchiorstiefel/pseuds/Blood%20and%20Weetabix
Summary: Lip wouldn’t get it. Carl wouldn’t care in the slightest. Sandy and Mickey would get it, but they didn’t ever know her. Liam would probably try to understand, but he can’t really remember Monica at all.But Ian.Ian gets it. You knew he would, and you can see it in his face.Following on from that scene in 10x12, here's something a few weeks later, when they finally discuss it properly.
Relationships: Debbie Gallagher & Ian Gallagher, Debbie Gallagher & Monica Gallagher, Debbie Gallagher/Sandy Milkovich, Ian Gallagher & Monica Gallagher, Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Comments: 5
Kudos: 122





	Missing Mom

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is unedited, but it's over 1600 words that I wrote stream-of-consciousness, because I'm still thinking about how no-one acknowledges how Ian got from Monica what Debbie never got the chance to.

“I miss mom.”

“Yeah,” you say, because what else really is there? Well, maybe one thing. “Monica would have loved today.”

You look across at your brother, at the tears in his eyes, and you know. That’s enough for now. You should probably have a deeper conversation about this, but now really isn’t the time. So instead, when he says “I should probably go dance with my husband,” you simply say “Go.”

And you choke back a sob. Because you saw them back then, but you didn’t quite get it. Ian, when he was manic, and then depressed, and when he scared you shitless with how much he reminded you of Monica. And Mickey, who nearly walked to all four corners of the earth trying to find ways to put Ian back together.

You saw it.

But you didn’t get it then.

You were too involved in your own teen drama.

People compare Ian to Monica. They do it a lot. But Ian isn’t Monica. Ian isn’t Monica, because Mickey isn’t Frank. And Monica _was_ Monica because of Frank.

And then Sandy comes over to you, leads you back to the dance floor, and you have to remind yourself that Ian _is_ like Monica. But not because he’s bipolar. Ian is like Monica in the same ways you are.

* * *

You don’t bring it up again. Not while Ian and Mickey are still in their honeymoon afterglow. But you come back to the house one day and find Ian sitting on the couch, picking the label off a beer.

That’s a sign.

Ian doesn’t drink that much, but it’s not uncommon to see him with a beer in his hand, even if it takes him four hours to finish it.

What is uncommon is to see him alone with a beer in his hand.

You throw yourself down unceremoniously on the couch, grab the beer from his hand, and take a swig.

“You okay?” You ask, quite unnecessarily.

He flashes you a weak smile. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

And that’s obviously a lie, but he also clearly means something by it. He might not be okay now, but he’s telling you this isn’t an episode. He’s just regular sad, and you can deal with regular sad.

“Okay.” You hand the beer back to him, and keep your distance on the couch, but you don’t leave. You work your way up to what you need to say.

And it only takes you a minute, because you’ve been thinking about it for weeks, since that moment at the Polish Doll.

“I miss her too.” You simply say. And that wasn’t what you meant to say, but it’s true enough. “She was never around, and I hated her guts 90% of the time she was here. But she was my mom too. She was all of our moms.”

Ian smiles that sad smile and just nods. “I don’t know if anyone remembers anymore, but today was her birthday.”

And the only thing you can say to that is the truth. “I don’t think they do. But I remember.”

Ian just rests his head on the back of the couch, and flicks away another bit of the bottle label.

You stay like that for a while, in a companionable silence, before you finally break it again.

“I never came out to her.”

Lip wouldn’t get it. Carl wouldn’t care in the slightest. Sandy and Mickey would get it, but they didn’t ever know her. Liam would probably try to understand, but he can’t really remember Monica at all.

But Ian.

Ian gets it. You knew he would, and you can see it in his face.

But instead of replying directly, he surprises you.

“I’m sorry we were shitty to you when you came out. I should have been better. And Fiona should have too. We should have believed you.”

You don’t know what to say to that. That feels like the theme for the day. So you simply say, “It’s okay. You’ve been there for me since. That’s what matters.”

Ian raises his arm onto the back of the couch, and gestures for you to come closer. So you do. You scooch up, and let Ian’s arm fold around you. And then he lets his face come to rest in your hair, and he plants a kiss there and inhales.

And that does it. That opens the floodgates.

Because that is such a Monica move, and it’s exactly what you didn’t want to admit you needed from her. To have a heartfelt conversation, and then a hug.

And it’s _stupid_. It feels so _stupid_ that all you wanted from your mom was for her to see you, but that’s how fucked up your life was.

It’s really only a light sob, but it still caught you off-guard.

Ian’s hand is rubbing soothingly over your arm, and his face is still buried in your hair.

You hear him sniffle, and then he moves his head, just to rest his cheek on your head instead.

He sighs. “I never came out to her either, you know.”

And you laugh shortly. It’s not really funny, but with everything you and Ian share, of course there’s this too.

“I’m not saying it’s the same. It’s not the same. But I never came out to Monica. Frank outed me. He caught me and Mickey fucking at the Kash and Grab, and then when Monica came back the next time, he told her.”

“Fucking Frank.” You say.

“Fucking Frank.” You feel him smile against your hair. “But she saw me. She saw me when no-one else could. Mickey was back in juvie, and he wouldn’t let me come and visit that time. And then Monica came around, and it was probably the most motherly I ever saw her. And I still remember exactly what she said. It’s stupid, but it mattered.”

“What did she say?” Your voice is soft, and now it feels like you’re intruding on something private, something that Ian shared only with Monica. On some level, that’s stupid. Ian is sharing this moment with you. He’s sharing memories of your mom, and letting you into one of his because you never got to have a similar one.

When the silence drags on a moment too long, you hasten to add, “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me,” because now it really does feel intrusive.

“No, Debs. I want to. I just needed a moment.” He clears his throat, and then slips into a voice you don’t think you’ve ever heard before. “She said, ‘You must be sad having someone you care about in jail. But you should never feel ashamed about what and who you are.’”

And he continues, “I told her I wasn’t, but she continued anyway. I guess I needed it, I just didn’t know it at the time.” He slips back into his ‘Monica’ voice. “‘When I was with Roberta, I was proud. No, it wasn’t a perfect relationship, but we were never ashamed.’”

“I dunno. I think Monica and Roberta should be ashamed,” you joke. And that lands harder than you expected, Ian almost doubling over in laughter.

“That’s pretty much exactly what I told her!”

You let the moment linger for a while, but he speaks again. “Then she took me out to a gay bar that night. At the time, I thought she was just trying to bond in the same old way that she always did for the forty-five minutes she was in town...” He trails off.

“She loved us,” you say simply.

“Yeah,” he replies.

“No, she did. She loved us. It was fucked up, and she was never here, but she loved us. And she took you to a gay bar because she wanted to bond with you, over something you and her shared… But she also took you there because she cared, and she wanted you to be happy.”

Ian doesn’t respond, just buries his face back in your hair, and you shift yourself slightly where you’re sliding down the couch.

After a few minutes like that, Mickey comes in through the front door, and Ian lifts his head to kiss him hello over the back of the couch, but you don’t move. Mickey is wiser than most people would expect, because after the hello kiss and with a small ruffle to your hair, he takes off up the stairs and leaves you alone again.

“She’d have loved Mickey, you know?” you say.

“Maybe she could have given _him_ that pride speech too,” Ian laughs. “He’d have taken off halfway through and we’d have found him a week later under the L.”

“Sure. But that was then. She’d have loved who Mickey is to you _now_ ,” you insist, because it’s important.

“You know she’d be proud of you too, Debs. And just because you never came out to her, that doesn’t change the fact that she’d be proud of who you are now.”

You sigh. “I know. It still sucks.”

“Yeah. Are you busy tonight?”

“I was going to have Sandy over, but I’ve not got any specific plans. Why?”

Ian sits up fully, and takes his arm back from around you. “What do you say you go put on some make-up, rent a nice dress from V, and we go out in Boystown?”

You glance at him sceptically. “You sure your husband will be okay with you going out in Boystown?”

He huffs a laugh. “He’ll be fine. We trust each other,” and then he adds, “Now.”

“Yeah, we could go. I just gotta find some money. You sure you don’t want to invite Mickey?”

“I was thinking it could just be us.” He takes out his wallet and slips out a bank card. “Don’t tell Fiona, but I kept back some of mom’s meth money. So, what do you say? Mom’s treat?”

You smile and nod. “Mom’s treat.”

**Author's Note:**

> The Shameless timeline is terrible, so let's just pretend that the wedding was a few weeks before 1 May.
> 
> And I talk about Ian's "sad smile" a lot, and I think you all know the one I mean.
> 
> Find me on Tumblr: [@belleandkurtbastian](https://belleandkurtbastian.tumblr.com/)


End file.
